The Wall

I've come up on a serious inner game issue. I hadnt noticed this as "sticking point" in my relationships until yesterday. I have anger issues. I don't know how to deal with them.

I've ruined probably the best relationship I've ever had because of too much drinking and anger, and yes words are the absolute most painful weapons ever, I promise you. I would never lay my hands on a woman in a threatening manner, or as to even hint at cause harm- however that may actually hurt less than some of the things I've said recently. And it has caused a huge tremendous rift in my utopia.

As a result I've also immediately decided to not drink, ever again. I tried to slow it down, cut it back, but I went right back at it worse than before. And now I am stating here and now that I have a problem drinking responsibly, and I have problems with anger, and it needs to end NOW before something worse happens. I wish I realized this with one of the other previous girls, but the fact is this is (was? :( ) only my second serious serious relationship.

And I'm at the point now where I'm looking for someplace new to live, even considering switching up cities, each choice bringing with it some undeniable pain that I will have to face.

And I am up against the wall. I still haven't processed my divorce and it's starting to become a festering wound in my life that needs to go. I've got to focus on me again. At least my going out budget has taken a serious plummet, so I won't be wasting money on that stuff ever again.

And to my friends who brew their own beer and really want me to try some, I'm sorry. But you might as well think I've lost my mind and joined a cult or a church or something. But this is me, as a man, as a controller of my own destiny realizing now that I allow alcohol to ruin my relationships, my life, and the lives of others, and I'm done with it. It is internalized, no offense, and if you truly are my friends you will support me and let it at that (and I know you will).

I will know what is to come of my life very shortly. I will either disappear from the scene entirely, and enjoy my monogamous relationship forever, or come back with must better inner game, and a much better game plan. The little guy downstairs is already restless.

For now,
Beek